When people ask kids what they want to be when they grow up, a typical answer might be something like a teacher or a doctor. Not me.
I used to say that I wanted to be an expert.
Whoa, big word for a 7 year-old! “An expert in what?” I was asked.
I didn’t care in what discipline I developed expertise. It just felt so good thinking of myself as the most knowledgeable person in something.
I felt very frustrated and depressed for much of my 20s because I believed I was not diving far enough into any line of work to develop expertise. Nothing seemed to captivate me for long with the kind of zest that I wanted to feel.
Why didn’t I stay at Citigroup on the paved path to become a successful, high-ranking investment banker? Why didn’t I continue teaching yoga full-time and strive to become one of the most sought-after yoga instructors?
Why didn’t I go back and finish my M.A. in Transpersonal Counseling when I completed most of the course work?
“You’ll never hit water if you dig a bunch of shallow wells”, I heard somewhere and cringed.
“What’s wrong with me?” I’d think, “Am I just not that smart or talented?”.
I wanted to be a leader, a path paver, a recognized voice in something so badly! I wanted to feel unequivocally purposeful, and know that THIS is what I am meant to do.
Yet I wasn’t interested in just picking something that didn’t captivate my heart and soul and working “hard” at it.
I wanted a calling to seduce me and I wanted to be madly in love with it, not just marry it because we’ve been dating for a while.
I spent so long thinking that I needed more degrees, more training and more experience to be knowledgeable that I didn’t see the forest through the trees. Nothing held my exclusive attention for long because I was on a different life track than becoming a subject expert.
I wanted to become an expert in myself.
I now see that all that dabbling in banking, project management, success coaching, dance, personal training, yoga and transpersonal psychology did not make me a ‘master’ in any of those fields, but it did help me get to know many different facets of myself and what I love.
It has allowed me to see various aspects of the human psyche, experience a broad range of situations and understand the spiritual basis of reality.
Because I hadn’t attained the outward laurels, I began looking within to feel successful, worthy, recognized and cherished.
And that is what I was looking for all along!
Even as a 7-year old, I associated being valued and respected, and ultimately feeling worthy, with external confirmation.
Now I see that my meandering path was the perfect training ground for me to discover that my expertise is in knowing myself and in helping others to meet, court and fall in love with their selves.
And that makes me more than an expert. It makes me the BEST! The best at being the unique version of me that I have come to this earth to be.
Reflection Time:
How do you define who you are? What makes you feel good about you? Are you an expert at meeting your own needs?
Here is a simple exercise you can practice to develop a stronger sense of self and self-care.
- First, spend a few minutes slowing down and deepening the breath. Feel the sensations in the body, allowing waves of relaxation to wash over you.
- When you feel settled, silently ask yourself what you need most right in this very moment. Is it rest, nourishment, movement? Are you craving to connect with a loved one? To find more inspiration in your life? Don’t be afraid to admit what you are wanting, even if you can’t meet that desire right at this moment.
- Then, think of one activity this week that will help you get more of what you you want. Maybe a yoga class, a much needed night out with friends or signing up for my 21-Day Full Of Ease Course to shift into a new perspective. You are worth it!
- Schedule this activity now into your calendar and comment below on what it is. The more you commit to following through on the wisdom of you inner voice, the easier it will be to meet your own needs and therefore feel unconditionally worthy and joyous!
Shmexpert, whexpert, I’m a MExpert,
Lana
Lana! Great post…I really believe that the key to leading an authentic and inspired life is to tune into your inner wisdom. But sometimes, we don’t really know how to do that if we have been conditioned our whole lives to rely on external factors and outside “experts” to tell us how to eat, live, love and play. The way you lay out the steps for getting in touch with our own needs is brilliant and very relatable. Thank you!
Thank you so much Elise! When we remember that we know the answers, the need for external expertise fades.
OMG Lana, beautiful. You remind me that by simply loving yourself, you become a light for others to discover the same practice.
I too have been on the meandering path of collecting degrees, dabbling in this, and doing a little bit of that…but the path always leads back to the same place…ME.
Thank you for this beautiful reminder.
Yes Lloyd, wherever we go, there we are! You’re welcome!
I relate so much to this. Personally I am oscillating between pursuing my Yoga Teaching which I Love (and feels like a Huge part of my Purpose), yet I feel like there is more for me. With my Art, my Music, and My writing. And yet it also feels Bigger than that. Like that I am a Sunbeam Uplifter. I feel like that is my Purpose to be a Visionary of Light and Sunshine. To be a BS buster and a Joy inspirer.
Presently in mechanical terms I have been told by a clairvoyant that I’d be getting some full time job in some building (something I NEVER thought I would do or had desires for and am still majorly resisting). Apparently I’d already have started the job by now (time line wise). She was so on point about so many other aspects on my life. Especially my romantic partner (that I have already met in my dreams), and said he would likely come through this job. So hence my mental attachment and confliction with the topic.
Story I have attached ‘If I don’t take the path of this job, I won’t meet my man.’ My wisest self knows that there are energetics and timelines that shift and all sorts. Yet my Mind Feels so attached to this story of ‘this being the way’.
Such a conflict. Have you had any experiences like this before Lana? If so, how did you navigate it.
Thank you for this Blog by the way.
Whoa Lana, it’s like you were in my brain today…I have had a very similar path, sans- the city Bank making loads of money job.I have been in a funk all week, feeling isolated, a bit trapped and we’ll lonely.I have been a stay at home mom for 14 years, I thought that being a wife and a mother would fill me up, in some ways it has, but I am craving more, different, and new.
Oh my god Lana ! Can’t believe you just wrote that . Straight out of my head and heart . All my life I have heard the same digging shallow well and not finding water analogy comparing it to me picking up different things right after studying science in high school to doing majors in economics to working for three different US MNCs here in India.
However I just returned from a yoga teacher training course a month back and right now I am hooked on to it ( for now atleast ????) . I too believed all these experiences have given me a better understanding of myself . Even though I didn’t get to be on top of the pedestral for any of these things I did , but they made me this girl today who knows that success and happiness is not in the externalalities , rather it is deep inside of you .
I am a meexpert too .????High five ✋
I need to sign up for a dance class. That’s the first thing I heard after I asked what it is I need right now. I heard let go of fear and just sign up. So tomorrow I will be calling around???????? Thank you so much Lana. You are so wonderful????