I had all the intentions of writing a follow-up post to the last blog about the Abraham-Hicks Land Cruise.
Yet, every time I sat down to do it, something would come up.
My heart just wasn’t into writing words of glory when I was so aware that my life didn’t exactly reflect my ideal vision.
My life seemed out of control.
Don’t get me wrong. Overall I am living in the happiest, most fulfilling, most exhilarating and most fun chapter of my life, so far.
But there are still times when I experience great pain. And each time I go through a period of great contrast, I seem to learn the same truth at a deeper level.
The Set-Up
Nothing major had happened, but a series of small and medium things all added up, causing me to question the way my life was organized.
Here’s what was going on with my schedule, priorities, life balance, etc.:
• I started a new project (recording guided visualizations in a professional studio), but half way into it, realized that it will cost me an arm and a leg and will take much more time than I anticipated.
• I had some changes in childcare, requiring our family to set a completely new schedule.
• The kids were feeling the changes, so they needed extra attention. And I felt like I was running on low and found it challenging to be really present with them.
• My husband was being wooed by various competitors and was spending a lot of time focusing on his next career move. (And therefore, not on me.)
I felt like all of the balls I was juggling were up in the air at the same time, and I wasn’t sure which ones to catch, which ones to let go and which ones to keep in the air.
It felt so chaotic.
And there is nothing more uncomfortable than feeling like there is no ground underneath my feet and there is nothing to hold on to.
The Breaking Point
Last weekend, I took a magical getaway to Las Vegas with my husband.
In that time together, we meditated and visualized together. We saw so clearly the kind of life that we both want in the near future.
We envisioned feeling present, connected in love and in lust. We saw another baby in our lives.
We saw the two of us walking through life feeling united, going with the flow and riding the waves with ease.
It felt harmonious and joyful.
We knew that there would be some changes that we would need to make in order to bring this vision to reality.
When we got back, I made some decisions about our schedule, prioritizing stability and allowing plenty of time for us to enjoy time as a family, and time alone as a couple.
And just when I finally felt a big exhale coming, everything seemed to crumble.
My husband and I spent days deciding on and buying furniture for the kids’ room (in order to finally wean my husband and I from sleeping with them on their queen-size bed).
A few nights ago, I dropped off the kids at the grandparents’ place and spent three hours shopping for sheets, comforters, night-lights, etc. to set up their twin bunk beds that we bought earlier that day.
Only to arrive home, see the new beds my husband spent hours installing, and realize that this was NOT going to work in the room.
Seeing this gigantic and ugly bunk bed taking over the whole room tipped the scales of chaos.
It all felt insurmountable and endless.
My thoughts started painting some pretty interesting scenarios:
If the kids’ beds aren’t done, the kids will still be sleeping with us. They will still pee in both their queen bed and ours, and we’ll have to do the crazy runaround of washing all the huge sheets and covers multiple times a week.
Which means that my husband and I will not be sleeping together and will continue to fight over the solutions to potty training and parenting.
Which means we won’t be nourishing each other in our relationship, but instead will be draining one another during our interactions at home.
And the kids will feel it. And I will feel like an awful mom.
And I’ll be so out of sorts that i won’t be able to properly serve my clients or write these blog posts. And my business will suffer and whither. And I’ll feel so alone. I will feel like a failure.
And worst of all, I will continue to wake up in the morning feeling like this is not the peaceful and happy life that I envisioned.
F*k! F*ck! Fuck! Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck!
“Where did I go wrong? Why do things not work out even when I thought I figured it out? Why is it that no matter how hard I try, something always goes wrong?”
It felt like no matter what I do, I can’t get a grip; I can’t seem to find true stability in my life.
My biggest fear of pulling one thread and the whole thing unraveling was staring me right in the face.
When all the emotions hit me like a tornado that night, I wanted to hide. And hit something. And blame somebody. Or blame myself.
And after doing all those things, I didn’t feel any better.
When I finally crawled into bed next to my husband that night (after angrily pushing him away earlier when he tried to comfort me in the middle of wailing on the floor), I was ready to let go.
I was ready to stop fighting… and improving… and planning… and fixing.
I just wanted to find my breath again. And be held.
So I asked if he would just hold me. And he did.
And in his embrace, I felt so much love and compassion. And I let it in.
I let him love me. JUST AS I WAS.
A fumbling, bumbling, tumbling mess of passion, clarity, joy, love AND sadness, fear, anxiety, worry and anger.
Glitter AND gremlins, all under one roof.
Because I am ready to love myself in that way – without barriers or clauses.
Without disclaimers or pre-nups.
And when I woke up the next day, I saw the pattern clearly for what it was.
The Answer
Over the last year, I have really stepped into the light and begun to see just how limitless, magnificent and brilliant I am.
I have reached and surpassed many success ceilings and practiced many new ways of looking at life.
When I watch the videos from last week’s blog post, I see my growth.
When I read the daily outpourings of love from clients and fans, I feel how on purpose I am.
When I see how easily my children welcome their emotions and how people tell me I have the happiest kids in the world, I know I am on the right track.
When I remember the tender, passionate, ecstatic way that I have been able to fully surrender in my interaction with my husband, I see that I am living what I didn’t even dare to dream.
And that’s the ‘problem.’
I temporarily forgot that the more that I step into the light, the more clearly I see the dust in the corners.
Instead of embracing these cobwebs and loving the vestiges of what I used to believe, I ignored them and pushed them away.
The more I resisted, the more these tiny particles of old waste seemed to grow.
I tried to wave my arms and get rid of them, and that only made it worse. I was choking on old beliefs and patterns.
I was suffocating by not accepting that there will always be dust and it is through tending to it that I can shine even brighter.
And then I remembered the only truth I believe in:
Love.
Love is the answer.
To everything.
So I asked: how I can love this dust? Genuinely and fervently?
And in wanting to honor this muck, I transformed it right in front of my very own eyes.
Because love is the secret that turns copper into gold.
That is what the alchemists and prophets knew.
And if it can turn copper into gold, it can certainly turn dust into sparkling glitter.
But love cannot be perceived or received, until it is invited and felt within.
I had to love myself – scars, dust and all – in order to feel that everything is ok.
In order to feel the chaos evaporate in the warmth of an inner order.
So, I stand here before you, still raw and pulsing, sharing my story with you because I have to.
Not for you.
For me.
This is another way I am showing love for all those parts of me that felt unlovable.
And I dedicate this “I Love Myself… Scars and All” video to all those times when I felt scared to love them.
Today, I don’t have any great exercises to practice self-love or self-care or tips and tricks to transform these (painful) old beliefs.
I only have one message for you: When all hell breaks loose – choose LOVE.
Choose love by accepting yourself just as you are.
Put down the protective masks and embrace your sacred humanity.
LOVE is always the answer.
In deep reverence of my process and in honor of yours,
Lana
Thank you for your openness and willingness to share your personal life as it unfolds. I really resonated with this blog and I feel like I’ve grown by reading this today. You are a wonderful writer!
Dear Karina, I am so glad that in some small way I can be a part of your journey to greater love! Thank you!!
I’m so in love with the human condition. The push and pull. The flow. The release. I think that’s why I write fiction. I love the story of how everyone is reaching for more. I crave the flows and love them, but the ebbs give me the resistance to let it flow. When things dip into the lows I trust that it is fuel for me to move forward. It’s all just a dream. We are blessed to spend it with those we cherish.
Love this.
Alison
I love your opening words Alison, I too am in love with “the human condition”. And it’s amazing how loving the ebbs and flows and seeing it all as a sacred journey transforms my inner experience of them from unwanted and painful to welcome and enjoyable, or at least understandable.
Totally! Your life is a perfect story, unfolding to the climax…and then to the happily ever after. The cool part is that we get to experience so many climaxes and happily ever afters! They just keep on showing up.
Thank you for sharing Lana. I think it is important to know that although we preach love and law of attraction we need also nee to keep in mind that we are human and still learning the art of spirituality. I have spent the past few days in darkness, feeling like a hypocrite because I begin to doubt all of the practices I have believed in for so long. I think when we finally see the light, darkness becomes that much more intolerable. We are all in this transformation together and if we can share our stories (ups and downs) to offer hope than we are practicing God’s will. Much love to you- Laurel
Laurel, It wouldn’t be a journey, an adventure, if we had already arrived, would it? Abraham reminds us that we never get it done so we can’t get it wrong. I find great freedom in that! Infinite love to you, darling!!! Let’s keep sharing our stories!
Thank you so much Lana, for letting me in like that.
I feel like I’ve been through the same experience lately.
Learning to love my self, all of me.
Learning to love all of reality, when I’m aligned and when I’m out of alignment.
For me, it was the understanding that it is these parts of me, the ‘dark parts’ (for lack of better words), that help me grow, help me creat the better version of me. Because they teach me what I don’t want and this way I know what I do want.
So now I don’t ever want to be perfect! I LOVE ana honor these parts in me for what they give me. I appreciate them.
And oh, it feels so good!!! I feel so much growth, so much love for myself, and now my alignment is much more stronger than ever! !!
It is so beautiful to see how all of us are waking up together…
Thank you so much.
I love you!!!
Yes, yes, yes, I love what you wrote Mor! I don’t want to be some notion of perfect, I want to be ME. Thank you for your reflections. Sending infinite love your way!
I breathed a satisfying sigh of relief at this line “Choose love by accepting yourself just as you are.” What a story. And what an evolution. Thank you for sharing a glimpse into your life and how you handle the challenges and embrace it all.
Yes, truly an evolution and a celebration of learning how to embrace it all, Lily!
Thank you for being so open and honest…I celebrate your growth, so amazing! Sending love
Thank you Doyle!
Unconditional love. Starting with me. Pouring, enfolding, and wrapping myself in unconditional love.
Thanks for the reminder Lana:-)
Wear it, girl! Wear that love like the queen’s attire that you were born to wear!
oh man, this is just what I needed to read. thank you thank you thank you. so glad I found you.
I am so glad we found each other, Jennifer! I love it when the perfect thing shows up at the perfect time!
Thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you.
We seem to be synchronized so very much.
I constantly meet you talking about something that I am just experiencing (haha!) and I am grateful for that.
I love you so much.
And I loveeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee how pure you look!
For me it’s easier to truely meet you this way.
Thank you for sharing this.
You awesome you!
Birkit, so awesome to be in sync with you! And so nice to meet with you in this unmasked way!
Thank you ♡ ♡ ♡
You are such a great girl! Thanks for being you.
I have an amazing husband that takes so much sh*t when I hit a wall. Your blog just brought me to tears when you described how your husband loves you. When mine tries I too push him away as it is then I feel self loathing the most. Embracing him and allowing him to embrace me at ALL times will be my new way to love myself. This as well as embracing ‘my dust’ instead of hating myself for having it be there! Thank you Lana, I find you to be a real source of comfort right now! X
I’m so glad my words brought you more clarity, comfort and love Victoria! Sounds like you have a phenomenal husband, well done on picking him!
Thank you Lana, for showing up in all your realness, loveliness, heartfelt authenticity and you-ness. Sending you love and hugs from Perth xo
Receiving all your love Fayann! And sending you love back from California!
Lana, I can resonate with this feeling so deeply and I know this is why I was destined to reconnect with you at the right place and the right time. Loving myself has always been hard. I just wasn’t brought up like that. But as a mother now, I am realizing that by loving myself, deeply and passionately, I CAN be successful in my life and pass this on to my daughter! May our shadows always be present and may our Light always shine through.
Yes Melissa! You will be a brilliant example of love for your daughter as you step into more and more of self-love.
Thank you for your raw, honest story Lana. I will see glitter, I will see love. <3